


Know, Fen'harel

by GorillaInTheMist



Series: Yes, Fen'harel [2]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, BDSM, Complicated Relationships, Denial, Dom Solas, Dom/sub, Drabbles, F/M, Guilt, Identity Issues, Manipulation, Mildly Dubious Consent, NSFW, POV First Person, POV Solas, Self Confidence Issues, Unresolved Sexual Tension, but at the same time totally resolved
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-23
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-05-15 15:49:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5791465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GorillaInTheMist/pseuds/GorillaInTheMist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Accompanying snippets of Solas' POV during Yes, Fen'harel. The chapters follow chronologically, but not exactly in line with those in the main fic. </p><p>Also, thank you to <a href="http://deedylovescake.tumblr.com/">deedylovescake</a> and <a href="http://evelynwaaaaah.tumblr.com/">evelynwaaaah</a> for coming up with a title!!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Solas sees Mae’s face

I had been right, she was in great need of release.

She fell asleep against me after our session, momentarily free of the burdens she came in with. Her fears and sadness transferred to my care. I feel as though I already know what she needs and, should she be amenable, will provide. Have I ever been so quick to take on a submissive? It is doubtful.

Her head rests in the crook of my neck, mask scraping against my skin; her scent fills my senses, spiced vanilla mixed with sex and sweat. She appeared so sweet but beneath the crafted exterior craved something more. It is a fitting parallel.

She deserves rest in a more comfortable place than this. I slide her into a robe to cover her nakedness before placing her beneath my sheets. There’s no way to know how she will react to awakening in a stranger’s bed after such an intense meeting.

Mae seems so small in the unnecessarily large bed. I run my fingertips along the edge of her jaw, provoking a small smile and sigh from her sleeping frame. It makes my heart warm to see her so relaxed and content.

Part of me wishes to stay and caress her, but she’ll need more than just my touch when she awakens.

I am not happy to leave her side, my protective soul wants to keep her safe from the world for as long as I may. I want her to be mine.

For the sake of Blackwall, I grab a pair of lounge pants before heading to the kitchen.

“So?” He asks with concerned interest as I walk in.

I grab down a tray and a glass. “It was as I expected. I think I will ask her to consider a more permanent relationship.”

Blackwall makes a noise of consideration. “It has been some time since you’ve had anyone, Fen’harel. Maybe this will be good for you too.”

“I hope so, friend.” I sigh and pour her some water. “She…” I am unsure how to describe the pull that I felt when our eyes met. I’ve never felt this way before.

He smiles and nods. “I understand. Anything I can do for you, or the lady?”

“Ah, yes. She has a friend with her here. I believe he regularly is seen with Dirthamen and Falon’Din. Please retrieve him for me. I want someone to be with her.”

“I’ll leave him in the hall for you.” Blackwall looks far too pleased with the situation, but leaves without another word.

I grab a bit of fruit and whatever was laying around. I’m not often entertaining guests. Should she agree, I’ll need to be sure that the apartments are well stocked for her. She’ll want for nothing.

It is unlike me to be nervous, yet I take a deep breath before opening the door. Perhaps, I am afraid that she will reject the proposal.

Her mint green eyes greet me; she is sitting up in bed.

The feline mask that hid her lies discarded on the bedside table.

My fate is sealed.

My heart begins to race as I see the entirety of her face. I had already been blessed with her minty eyes framed by thick lashes and her plush lips. The rest of her matches. Lush and delicate. Freckles dot along her high cheekbones and the bridge of her nose. It was already my intent to ask her to join me, but she is a creature of my dreams.

She must be admonished for being unmasked, but my heart is not in the chiding. I would not have her face hidden if she does not desire it. Her eyes are bright with amusement as she teases me, questioning if this is where I stay, and openly admiring me.

The power of my mask, I suppose. This lovely little thing would pay no attention to Dr. Revas: the bald, aging man that I am. I run my fingers along her cheek. “You are so beautiful.” She blushes and starts to shy away from me. How could she think anything else about herself? I shall endeavor to tell her until she believes it.

The shock of seeing her moved me from my original goals. I hold out water to her and tell her to “Drink.” She does without a second thought. Perhaps she will be easier to help than I had originally thought.

It pleases me to see her obey.

Still, she is shy. I force her to meet my eyes as I ask her to join me. I want to help her acclimate to this town. I want her to be safe, to be confident. Her eager answer worries me some. This will not immediately fix all her problems. No, but it will aid her. Mae is skeptical of what I propose after some explanation, but I am sure she will say yes.

I direct her to dress and meet her friend before I softly kiss her, savoring her on the off chance that I am wrong.

I seldom am.


	2. Solas meets Mae

“If you have forgotten, the new postdoc I’ve hired arrives today.” Dorian looks smuggly at Vivienne and me as we have our morning meeting.

I care little for these formalities. He should endeavor to waste our time only when there is news worth hearing.

My mind flits back to her. “ _Yes._ ” With that one word she consented to me, so simply, so freely. The semester beginning in the morning was all that kept me from seeing her last night. Well, that and the fact that she attempted to control the interaction. Her lessons will be learned sooner rather than later.

“Solas, are you listening to a word that I’m saying?” Dorian glares.

Vivienne arches a brow. “Dorian, my dear, is there some reason this is still going on? I have things to do.” I am not the only one taking poorly to Dorian’s recent promotion. I passed up the job, but had I known he would make us meet about nothing I would have reconsidered.

Dorian’s reply is stopped by a small rapping on the door. “Dr. Pavus?” A young woman’s voice asks.

I look up to see who has arrived and it is as if everything freezes in time. My face remains impassive, but my heart races. Of all of the people, in all of the world, it is her. Dark hair framing a pale face with mint eyes that peer into my soul: Mae.

Dorian is standing by her, “Maellana Lavellan. She’ll be with us for the entirety of the year, and is why you cannot have dominion over the office next to yours. Mae will be moving in.” Her office will be beside mine. I am overwhelmed by both feelings of excitement and foreboding.

Dorian takes her hand and kisses her knuckles with an amazingly pretentious bow. She blushes. As much as I would like to be the one with my hands on her, the pink along her cheeks is stunning.

Vivienne says something about her clothes. That is, of course, all that my colleague would care about. She would be blind to the stiffness in her shoulders and sadness in her eyes, or the charming freckles that dot her face. She is wearing the same skirt from the night we met, sweet and demure. I cannot help but wonder if she always wears the caliber of undergarments gifted to my eyes.

My thoughts are most inappropriate for work.

I find my voice. “Welcome to the department.” She looks up and down my body, pausing to gaze into my eyes. She reddens ever so slightly. “If introductions are to be made, I am Solas.” Does her embarrassment mean she knows? I have never been found out. It is poor timing to realize that I managed to wear a shirt from my weekend wardrobe on a weekday. The black makes my eyes seem more blue than grey, it is a small thing, but enough that it may help to hide my identity.

Clearly, I must prevent this mistake from ever occurring again.

Memories of Mythal laughing at me linger in the back of my mind; she would tease me relentlessly for this.

“Thank you, Solas.” She smiles, nodding. My stomach feels fluttery, much to my personal embarrassment.

Perhaps this is not a wise idea.

I should call off the arrangement.

Later, she blatantly sasses Dorian, her boss, a man she has known for less than six hours. Mae must be used to some amount of power in her life if she is so quick to be unafraid of those who are in positions of power over her.

Interesting.

On my way out I decide to stop and see her. “Mae?” She looks up at me as if she is surprised that anyone is speaking to her. “It’s almost four, we will be heading out soon.” I scan her desk. It is completely devoid of food, as is her trash can. “Did you eat today?” Did she spend an entire day simply being powered by coffee?

She shrugs and looks a bit guilty, admitting to consistently forgetting to eat. Maybe some rules would do her good. I play it off as a joke, but insist on walking her to her car. If it were not for social conventions, I would insist on driving her home; not eating is correlated with increased dizziness and possible automobile accidents. Unacceptable behavior for my little one.

 _My_ little one. It seems I have already made a decision despite the unsettling in my stomach.

I wonder how she survived her previous job with habits like this. She cites a change of career as her reason for being here, but I feel as though 26 is far too young for such things.

Why lie?

The ease with which she speaks and smiles at me touches into my soul in a way I have not felt in many years. I knew the moment I saw her that I desired her, that she needed me, but perhaps I am in deeper than I originally thought.

I am not so sentimental to think of love at first sight, but I would be lying to say I was not a bit romantic.

The night is spent pondering: can I put ‘Solas’ aside for the good of Mae? Can I be both parts of who I am separately for her? Yes. I will be what she needs.

I pull up my laptop.

_Recipient: maelav@chantry.com_

_Subject: Time_

_Tomorrow. 8pm. You know where to find me._

_-Fen’harel_

 

My habit of disregarding my better judgement appears to be unbeatable.


	3. Solas Breaks His Mug

The sounds coming from Mae’s office are not comforting in and of themselves, but I am fully aware that Sera has just accosted her. I do not appreciate the presence of our administrative assistant; She is far too rowdy to maintain any constant level of competence. Any mail I send that arrives in the correct place at the correct time seems to be divine intervention.

I can only imagine what she is doing to our new hire.

Sera nearly skips down the hall, leaving the door open to Mae’s office. It does not seem promising.

She is picking up her chair when I knock. “Mae, is everything alright? I just saw Sera leave and, well the noises in here seemed chaotic at best.”

She smiles like she does not have a care in world. “Everything is perfectly okay. I’m just a little absent minded and you know how enthusiastic Sera can be.” She is lying, though I must admit that she wears her mask well.

“I see.” I’ll have to watch out for this in the future. It’s a habit that I will not allow. That Fen’harel will not allow. Part of my mind still screams that I’m making a mistake. I ignore it. A decision has already been made. “I am about to grab some lunch, would you like me to get you anything?” I doubt that she will remember to pack something or to make time to retrieve some food despite the fact that her rules are in effect.

Behavioral patterns are difficult to break.

I can see her mind working, looking at her small granola bar on the corner of her desk and the second thermos of coffee near her computer. She knows I will be upset, so she makes a choice: “That would be wonderful, thank you very much for asking. What’s for lunch?”

Good girl.

After some questions and her usual sassing of Dorian, I am on my way to the salad bar down the road. There are a number of trendy little shops near the university many of which are decently healthy. She had no specific requests, instead trusting me to provide her with whatever I thought looked appetizing. Her trust in me pleases me despite the fact that she has no need to obey this identity.

About a block from our building my phone vibrates with an email.

 

_Recipient: dreadwolf@eluvian.net_

_Subject: Waiting_

_I find myself having difficulty focusing on work when in just a few hours I’ll be screaming your name in ecstasy._

_-Mae_

 

What an adorable act, my little one, wanting to show me how she anticipates our meeting. My blood starts to race as I think of demure Mae sitting at her desk across from Dorian’s office typing dirty things to me. Temptress. It is my way to tease her in return. I smile and slow my walk as I respond.

 

_Recipient: maelav@chantry.com_

_Subject: Eager_

_You assume much. Perhaps we will simply enjoy a meal together and do crosswords._

_-Fen’harel_

 

Another block, and I receive another message.

_Recipient: dreadwolf@eluvian.net_

_Subject: Extremely Eager_

_I know that will not be_ all _we do, Dread Wolf._

_-Mae_

 

She means to play, but really she is testing her boundaries. She wants to be taken. She wants to be relieved of the stress of the week. What she forgets is that she is not the one in charge.

 

_Recipient: maelav@chantry.com_

_Subject: Extremely Presumptuous_

_And how do you know that, little one?_

_-Fen’harel_

 

After a quick response, I fill three Styrofoam containers to the various requests, or lack thereof. Walking back, I feel another email, but with my hands full I cannot indulge in our banter.

I knock on her door for the second time within the hour. She quickly clicks off her computer before standing to greet me. Little does she know that I am fully aware of what she was taking time for and what must be hidden from those she works with.

“Lunch has arrived.” I smile and hold out her meal. The glee in my demeanor is fueled by more than just her happiness. She touches my hand as she reaches for her food, letting out the smallest of gasps. Mae has wound herself up more than she anticipated if the slightest of touches invigorates her so.

She’s clearly uncomfortable, but caresses my hand as she takes the container. Her touch sends electricity through my body.

I miss what she says, but notice she reaches for her purse. “You are welcome. And, please, it is my treat.” I hold up my hand and stop her from paying.

Her voice is soft and surprised. “That is so sweet of you. Thank you.”

The fact that so little could bring out such a reaction from her worries me. What has happened to her to make her feel so worthless? I catch myself staring a bit too intently at her. “It is really no trouble, but your gratitude is most agreeable. I’d love to stay and…”

“Just kiss already!” Dorian yells from across the hall. Mae and I roll our eyes in unison, at least I have a friend in loving contempt of the department chair.

I give her a small nod. “I should get back to work.” I am most curious to see what it is that she responded with.

 

_Recipient: dreadwolf@eluvian.net_

_Subject: Yearning_

_Because you want me. You want this._

_-Mae_

 

I start to eat and think a bit before I respond. She is correct, of course, I desire her with a desperation that I have felt few times before. My desktop dings with a notification, but I am currently uninterested. Rather, I wish to remember the curves of her body and the music of her moans.

Having her only separated from me by a wall and a mask is torture and we have yet to truly begin.

A second ding. It is likely work related, but the fact that there are two in a row makes me think it might be important. Well, it is someone’s idea of important.

 

_Recipient: dreadwolf@eluvian.net_

_Subject: Still Yearning_

_Perhaps I should be more specific? You want to hold me down and fuck me. You want to bury your hard cock in my dripping wet body. You want to make me beg for you._

_-Mae_

 

My jaw drops. Wanton little thing. I look around the room, unreasonably frightened that someone might see my coworker sending me dirty messages, _very_ dirty messages, in the middle of the day.

Suddenly, my pants feel a bit too tight and I am craving her. Yes, I will make her beg and scream. Her throat will be raw from vocalizing her pleasure. I will fuck her until she cannot walk straight. She will be completely mine.

One of my shaking hands reaches out to grab my mug of water, but clumsily sends it crashing to the ground. “For fuck’s sake!” I grumble to myself. “You’re behaving like an adolescent.” I must be the man I have become.

“Solas?” Mae’s voice comes from the door. “Is everything alright?” She is concerned for me.

I snap my eyes up to meet hers. “I seem to be more tired than usual, I managed to fumble my mug.” I lie. She has no idea what she does to me. She never will.

She offers to help me clean up the inconsequential mess. My little one is kind.

I take a deep breath. “No, thank you. I will clean up my own mess. I should pay more attention.” I mean that in many ways. She is more than I expected. I must not be so careless in allowing her to move me so.

Once I calm down and finish my lunch, I email her back.

 

_Recipient: maelav@chantry.com_

_Subject: Lessons_

_Do not push me, Mae. You may find that you do not appreciate the consequences._

_-Fen’harel_


	4. First Day In Denerim

I smile to myself replaying her smile in my mind. The shock as she understood my feelings about her beautiful smile.  I find it difficult to ignore my attraction to her during our time at work. It is not a complication that I had originally anticipated.  

My email notification goes off a few moments after I leave her.

 

_Recipient: dreadwolf@eluvian.net_

_Subject: Don’t be angry_

_So, apparently our department all have to go to a conference in Denerim this weekend and no one told me until this morning._

_-Mae_

 

My little one is afraid of my wrath. The beating of my heart stutters; why would she be so worried. Perhaps I am too hard on her? No. It is what she needs.

 

_Recipient: maelav@chantry.com_

_Subject: Disappointed_

_Why would I be angry? You should know me better than that, little one._

_-Fen’harel_

 

We respond back and forth a few more times as I continue my work at my desk. It pleases me that she laments our lost time together. In all honestly, I will miss our time as well. I do not relish the thought of spending concentrated time with her on the weekend while I am constrained by lack of mask. My soul wishes to hold her close and whisper her worth to her until she believes it. My skin craves the touch of her.

It will be a challenge.

* * *

 

I look at my watch and growl. She is late. It is quarter of an hour past when we agreed to meet and she has still not arrived. This behavior is unacceptable; it will be addressed at a later time.

Finally, her car speeds into a parking spot near me and she stumbles around apologizing whilst her bags weigh her down. Two travel mugs hamper her movement even more. The whole thing would be endearing were I not fighting the urge to bend her of the hood of my car and turn her shapely ass red.

“You got me tea.” I respond to her babbling with no amount of appreciation. What I would have desired was for her to be on time.

She smiles shyly at me “Well, yeah. It’s early and I know you don’t drink coffee, so” She pushes the cup toward me with some amount of force, “Tea.”

Though she may be infuriating, my little one is no small amount of endearing. I hold out my hands for her luggage and the beverage that caused her tardiness. “Just get in the car, Mae.” I sigh in defeat. It is becoming more difficult to remain angry with her for small infractions that I see outside of sessions.

The name placard on the cup reads ‘Best Ever’. A smile forms on my lips, yes, my little one is very sweet.

 As I make myself comfortable in my car, one of the luxuries I allow myself, an idea comes to me. Mae is unaccustomed to driving with me.

Perhaps she will be punished after all.

* * *

 

I am unsurprised when Dorian and Vivienne leave for first class, but Mae looks terrified.  “You didn’t upgrade, did you?” She looks at me with poorly concealed worry.

Perhaps Mae has an aversion to flying. “No, I believe it to be a waste of resources.” I nudge her shoulder playfully. “It seems you are stuck with me for a bit longer this morning.”

“I’m glad.” She smiles and nudges me back. The relief in her body is unmistakable; I am pleased to know that I will be bringing her comfort.

I sit so that we are separated by a seat so that she might be more comfortable. Truly, I crave to be close to her, but I tamp down my inappropriate urges. Then, I see the whitening of her knuckles as the plane begins to move. She is frightened. I cannot leave her alone like this.

“It appears that you may have an aversion to flying.” I say calmly. “I thought maybe you’d feel better if I were closer.” She stares with me, seemingly unable to process anything I’ve just said. My offer might be unwanted, “I can move back if you prefer.”

Her eyes widen as the plane accelerates, then she grabs tightly onto my hand, lacing our fingers together. “No, I’m good with you here.” Her eyes close. “As long as you don’t mind not having use of your arm for portions of the next few hours.”

I smile, suddenly shy. I would rather be nowhere else. My eyes begin to scan the book I’ve brought along, “If that is what you need, then by all means.” She does not let me go for the next three hours and, though selfish, I could not be happier.

* * *

 

I stare at the keys the woman at the desk handed to me.

At first I think it a trick of the mind, some insatiable boyish part of me dreaming of a world where we would only need three keys. Of course, Mae would stay with me…this is not that world.

“There are only three keys here.” I glare at Dorian.

Clearly, some mistake was made on his and the administrations end and instead of this being ideal, it is about to be completely miserable. Oh, how I want her to share my bed, Solas’ bed.

Vivienne says no as if she is amused by the idea of sharing with her. Dorian at least seems contrite in his rejection, but he leaves her anyway. I fear this is simply a pattern she is used to: abandonment.

My heart sinks as she asks everyone except me if she might infringe on their hospitality. She even begins researching new places to lodge instead of just _asking_ me. I’d say yes in a heartbeat. I’d do anything for her.

I was right.

She has no interest in me…in Solas…the mask is what brings her desire.

Instead of her looking at me with eyes full of trust and attraction, I am ignored. I am fumbling with the damned piece of plastic that put us into this position. She has every right to not want me, but I would be lying were I to say it did not sting.

The words leave my lips before I can stop myself, “Why didn’t you ask me?”

She looks like she has been caught when her eyes dart up to meet mine. There is nothing of rejection in her demeanor. I read her as being embarrassed, perhaps shy. “Solas, you’ve already been saddled with me for the majority of the day. I can’t possibly impose myself more on you.”

Is my little one making excuses? I will not have her staying somewhere else. The streets of the capital are dangerous at night and it is an impossibility that she will find a hotel near the events at this late of a booking date.

“I am willing, Mae.” I mumble, still afraid that she will reject me, afraid that I am not and will not be what she wants. The light is not a place for us to be together. “I would not have you worry about transportation or a place to stay. There will be more than enough room.” I have not been this uncomfortable in many years. A small uncomfortable joke falls from my lips. “I am also a complete gentleman.” I am ashamed of my bashful sincerity.

She smiles and sighs, but there is something like frustration in it. I deeply hope it is not directed toward me, but rather the universe in general.  “I never doubted.” Mae reaches over and takes the card from me. “Why are you so good to me?” 

If she only knew. I cannot help but laugh at the irony of the terrible mess I have gotten the two of us into. “I would not be so pleased. Perhaps I kick in my sleep, or sing very poorly in the shower.” Perhaps I have worshiped your body and heard you sing my praises. Perhaps my heart sings every time I am in your presence.

“I guess I’ll have to let you know.” She smiles, then suddenly looks struck. Is she instantly regretting her decision? “Hey, I….need to send an email.”

Me.

She is going to email me, Fen’harel. Who else would she be frantically messaging after arriving safely from her trip?

I need to go somewhere else. She needs to not hear my phone ring in response to her. Externally, I am just as calm as ever, “I’ll go back up to the desk and get a second key for the room.” She hands me the key and I make my way over to the desk again. I linger until I feel my phone signal an incoming email.

As soon as it is safe I return to her. I make sure to not let my curiosity show in the least. What is it she told me? “All is well?

She nods, “As good as it’s going to get.”

The room is beautiful, regal, meant for my little one. My stomach drops. Sleep clothes. I don’t generally pack any…I don’t wear any…but with her I must.

I rummage in my bag to see if maybe by some chance of fate I had, but I do know myself better than that. “I need to run out and get some things.”

“Anything I can help you with?” She asks me helpfully.

I can feel myself blushing. I should have made a different excuse. “No, it’s just that…well…I don’t usually have clothes for sleeping.”

She looks confused, then, “Oh? Oh. Oh! Solas. I…I’m so sorry. I didn’t even.” Now, she is a matching pink. Clearly the idea of my nudity offends her.

I raise my hand to stop her. She needn’t make excuses for me. “It’s no trouble. I promised to be a gentleman, yes? Sharing a bed with you without being properly clothed would certainly break that promise.” My brow arches of its own accord and I cannot help but tease her, “Unless, of course….”

Mae turns and even brighter pink and covers her eyes while laughing brightly. “I hate you.”

I ask her if she needs anything while I am out and then make my way to a small shop on the far corner of the block.

Finally, I can read her message.

 

_Recipient: dreadwolf@eluvian.net_

_Subject: Don’t be mad_

_I’ve arrived safely in Denerim. The university didn’t reserve enough rooms….so I’m sharing one with a colleague of mine. ….The colleague is a ‘he’._

_-Mae_

 

Had her subject not expected some sort of retribution from me, I would have found her need to inform me flattering and sweet. As such, it makes me want to tie her up and tease her until she begs through her apology. Perhaps there is more to this. Maybe she is wishing to let me know how much she dislikes Solas and that there is nothing for Fen’harel to worry about.

 

_Recipient: maelav@chantry.com_

_Subject: Strike Two_

_If you assume that I will be angry for things which are out of your control one more time, I will punish you severely. Is there some other reason you fear my wrath?_

_-Fen’harel_

 

 

_Recipient: dreadwolf@eluvian.net_

_Subject: Yes, Fen’harel_

_I’m sorry. Your displeasure is dually noted. And…maybe?_

_-Mae_

Her glibness is making me even angrier. She is trying to test her boundaries now that she is out of town for the first time. It is unacceptable. Especially, with this being her first weekend away from me since we began our relationship.

 

_Recipient: maelav@chantry.com_

_Subject: Final Warning_

_Little one, do not toy with me. I may not be at your side, but all rules still apply. Have you forgotten? Must you be reminded?_

_-Fen’harel_

 

I stand staring at the pajamas and am astonished by the variety of styles. Despite my preference for sleeping unhampered by cloth, Mae might know my body. I need to be covered just in case she would recognize me. I make a noise of disgust as I pick up a set of thermals and pajama pants. It should be sufficient.

Another buzz.

_Recipient: dreadwolf@eluvian.net_

_Subject: No, Fen’harel_

_You are maddening, Fen’harel. No, I have not forgotten. No, I am not toying with you. I am embarrassed. I might have a tiny crush on the man I’m staying with._

_-Mae_

 

I nearly drop my credit card when putting it back into my wallet. She…she what? She has a crush on me? On Solas? Really? Have I read all of the blushes, the stammers, incorrectly? They’ve not been signs of derision or appeasement, but….of attraction? My little one is attracted to _me_.

A small boyish chuckle of delight escapes my lips. As I message her back.

 

_Recipient: maelav@chantry.com_

_Subject: Mae’s Crush_

_I see. Shall I begin to rewrite our rules?_

_-Fen’harel_

 

 

_Recipient: dreadwolf@eluvian.net_

_Subject: Mae Will Crush You_

_Don’t be ridiculous. We work together and I’ve only known him for a few months._

_-Mae_

 

I can envision perfectly the blush along her freckled nose.

 

_Recipient: maelav@chantry.com_

_Subject: Violence is Never Wise_

_To be fair, we slept together the first time we met._

_-Fen’harel_

I open the door and see her curled up in a chair with her phone in her hands. She is flushed, “That was different!” She screams at the screen.

It takes almost all of my self-control not to laugh, “What was different?”

Her beautiful eyes are alarmed as she attempts to explain, “Nothing, just having a stupid disagreement with a friend.” She slams her phone down on the side table. “Find anything good?”

I lift the bag, “It’ll do. Come on, opening sessions will be starting soon.” I am dreading wearing the clothing to bed.

The talks are droll and exactly as I excepted: politics.

We take dinner at a small Rivani place that seems to be more concerned with form than with function. I’d complain more except for the fact that Mae’s leg keeps sliding against mine. She is shy beside me and the pink of her ears clearly signals to me her…arousal.

Around twelve thirty in the morning, I decide that Mae will need help keeping to her curfew while out with Dorian. There is no one more suited to her needs than myself. “I think it’s well past a reasonable time for bed.” I look over at her. “You will not bother me if you stay out, but we have an early morning.”

Mae pauses for a second, thinking, hopefully remembering her rules. “You’re right, let’s go.”

She is slightly intoxicated, which allows me the excuse to touch her again, steadying my dear one to make it back to our room.

I encourage her to occupy the bathroom to ready for bed. Of course, she disparages her beauty when she returns in her natural, beautiful state. I love seeing her this way, free of all the weight of the day. She seems somewhat younger, more vulnerable.

She is my heart.

A few moments later, I stand in the mirror looking at my navy shirt and grey pants. It is so unnatural to see myself clothed in such a way.

It is in that thought that I realize that I will be sharing a bed tonight with my little one…only she is not _my_ little one she is Fen’harel’s. “Fuck.” I grumble to myself. Every fiber of my soul crave to hold her in my arms, to love her and care for her. I….I cannot. I will steel myself and keep myself separated.

She is already in bed; her delicate body accented by the sheets draped over her.

My heart races as I approach my side of the large bed. “I can set an alarm for us if you wish.” I say softly.

She rolls to look over at me. My Mae looks concerned as she examines my pajamas. “I can set my own, I’ll need about an hour to get ready.”

“So long?” I frown. How could she possibly need so much time to ready herself?

The corners of her lips lift in that teasing way that nearly makes my breath catch. “Some of us are not as naturally as attractive as you.”

Nothing could have hidden the pink embarrassment that flows through me at her come on.

“I…well….” My pants start to tighten as arousal floods me. I steady my voice to bid her good night. I pray that she cannot see the hardness laying against my hip.

 “Good night, Solas.” She hums, scooting as far away from me as possible. Mae is smug, despite not knowing how much she affects me.

The heat in insufferable: the pajamas, the blankets, my lover at my side but being unable to touch her.

I want to grab her.

I want to take her.

“Everything alright?”  She asks shyly.

I sigh. “Yes, it is just…warm.” Honestly, I am surprised that I sound as calm as I do.

“I won’t be offended if…” She is offering to let me do what I need, perhaps to let me undress.

No. No I cannot. The temptation would be too great. Nothing would hide my desire from her. “No, I will be fine.” That is final.

I feel as though I will burn up inside.


	5. Second Day in Denerim

When I wake, there is a familiar pressure against my chest.

The warm scent of her hair greets me as my eyes start to adjust to the dark room.

Mae is resting against my side with her cheek above my heart and an arm clasped around my waist.

My blood races. Delight. Terror. She sleeps soundly, but if I am not careful she will wake and likely be mortified. I cannot imagine the pangs of hurt if she was appalled by the situation…this is, in my heart of hearts, what I want most. I want to rest with her, love her, as myself.

It is an unattainable goal, but here in this moment I can pretend…if only for a few breaths.

I slide away from her perfect body and provoke a little whimper of distress from her lips. My lips chase away the crinkle between her brows and replace her dreamed distress with a little peaceful smile.

What great disaster this is.

My workout clothes are sitting on top of my bag; I grab them and quickly move to the bathroom to ready myself without disrupting her.

Really, she should be making some time to exercise this weekend as well. I feel as though something like a run would be good to ease the tension I sense in her, but it is not an issue to press at the present.  No, rest would be best for her.

When I return to the main room, she is looking at me with heavily lidded eyes: young and earnest in those precious moments between sleep and consciousness. I feel regret for waking her, but cannot _truly_ feel sorry for this moment.

I move to her side of the bed, “I am sorry, you should rest, it is still early. I am going for my morning workout.”

She nods and cuddles back up under the blankets. In my self-imposed fantasy, I move to help her position the blankest around her…I only just stop myself. “I’ll be back in an hour or so.”

Imprudent.

The hotel’s gym has a serviceable enough treadmill. I am determined to run until I can form myself back into what I have promised myself I would be. I am Solas, her friend and confidant. I am not the one who she craves. I am separate from him. That is how this must continue. I cannot allow myself to be influenced by my feelings for her. I must be what _she_ needs, not what _I_ need.

My t-shirt is soaked through and I continue to feel the war in my soul.

It has nearly been an hour. I need to return and ready myself for the day’s sessions.

This will have to do.

I go past the coffee shop in the lobby of the hotel before heading upstairs. Mae will need some caffeine to get ready for the day. The little smile that graces her face after her first sip of coffee is something I would gladly be responsible for.

Ridiculously, I find myself pausing outside of the door. My heart races like some schoolboy. It is maddening.

I take a deep breath and enter, ““Mae, I brought you some coffee.”

My eyes widen as I take in the bareness of her back. The supple curves of her waist. She never ceases to insight my desire. Her very existence is enough to make my cock twitch with lustful anticipation.

She bids me good morning and I carefully set down the drink carrier at the table, then clasp a hand over my eyes.  “My eyes are closed. Are you done in the bathroom?”

“Yes,” she squeaks.

I pray that she doesn’t look at me. “I’ll just…” I try to move around the room based on the mental map I have. It is apparently lacking, as I nearly topple over some object on my way to the bathroom.

Mae laughs at me.

“I’m sorry Solas, I completely forgot when you were going to be back. I was just running late and….” She sighs and I can hear movement, then her hand on my arm. “Let me help you.”

Where our skin meets is like fire. If things were different, I would have her right here. We would just be a little late to meet our colleagues. It would be worth it to hear her moans of pleasure.

“Mae, really, you…” I need to get a hold of myself.

She tells me she has an idea and steps away for a moment, “Okay, you can open your eyes now.”

Slowly, I lower my hand. “I am terribly sorry.”

“It was my fault. Now, you can grab whatever you need without worrying.” She nods and smiles brightly. So, sweet, thoughtful, my little one.  

The light tank top she has put on leaves little to my imagination. I know the contours of her body…her nipples are stiff against the fabric. She is saying something to me, but I am more distracted by the increasing weight against my leg.

“I’ll just grab some things and….” I retreat into the bathroom.

Lukewarm water runs down my heated skin. I do not allow myself hot water. It is not a time to luxuriate.

She will drive me to madness and have no idea that she is doing it.

I slide my soap slickened hand along my throbbing cock. She is perfectly formed, body and soul…and I want all of it. Quick, rough strokes of my clenched fist relieve some of my desire from my body. My head rests back against the wall as my body shudders.

It will have to do.

I can do this. I can fulfill the bargain I made with myself.

After drying and dressing, I go to join her, keeping my eyes averted. I hope that the conference times will give me some space from this.

“I promise I’m fully dressed now, Solas. You can look at me.” She teases me from a chair.

I retrieve my blazer from the closet and remind myself, “Yes, look, but do not touch.” She is not for _me_.

“What?”

I shake my head, “I apologize. I am just a little out of touch with the concept of sharing a space with someone. I should be more contentious.”

“Why are _you_ so upset? I was the one not paying attention, also if anyone was supposed to be affronted by this it’s me. If anything, you could have gotten a free show.” She winks playfully at me.

It is unhelpful. Controlling my attraction for her is difficult enough without her teasing me. “As you say, Mae.”

Mae begins to behave strangely during the talks….especially Vivienne’s, which is spectacular. The woman is brilliant and a powerful speaker. I am proud that she represents our department.

My little one is practically hiding in her chair, “Mae, are you alight?” Perhaps she is unwell?

She is pale and tense, but offers me a kind smile, “Of course.”

It is not even a _good_ lie.

I cannot help her if she does not offer me the truth. This is neither the time nor the place for me to drag out an honest answer either, “Good. Then pay attention to your colleague.”

Vivienne’s talk signals the end of the afternoon session. Dorian and I laud her on her rousing presentation.

Mae is silent.

“Mae, are you alright? You look paler than usual.” Vivienne worries.

“I’m just tired, sorry. Your talk was fantastic!” She claps and smile easily.

Dorian makes an innuendo about my keeping Mae up late.

Mae is nervous about the whole thing and makes some half formed excuse.  

“I’m going to go get some coffee,” she whips around and dashes away.

“Were you really _that_ bad?” Dorian wonders, half in jest and half in actual concern for Mae’s flight.

I glare at him and go off after her.

I catch her at the door and grab her arm to prevent her from running. This is not in the least bit amusing.   “Mae, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.” she smiles again, but is shaking in my grasp, “I just really need some caffeine. Tea, maybe?”

Another cup would make for her sixth mug today. She is drinking it as if it were water. It is no wonder she is shaking. The stimulant would not _help_ whatever is distressing her, “I think you have had enough.”

“Why do you care?” she rounds on me with an unexpected fire. “I am a grown woman. I can make my own choices!”

My first instinct is to take her over my knee. She may be a grown woman, but she is _not_ making good choices.

No.

It is not my place at this moment.

I let out a breath and drop my hand to my side, “You’re right. Do as you wish.” Helping her at the moment is impossible. No, I must just stand by and make sure she does not participate in any activity that is too reckless. This is ill advised, but it is not as though she is telling me that she wants to go jump into traffic.

I am displeased nonetheless.

Mae looks at me and frowns slightly, “Solas, would you like anything?”

What? She so quickly loses the anger I lit in her… “I…no. Thank you.”

She holds out her hand to me, “Come with me?”

I…she still…

“I know you want to. Make sure I don’t talk to strangers or whatever?”

Mae is still a mystery to me. I would rather be with her than without her…even if that means allowing this behavior.

I stand up tall and offer my arm to escort her, “Wouldn’t want you speaking to strangers, now would we?”

* * *

That evening is a banquet held by the king. Or, at least his people.

It is doubtful that the man will actually attend.

Mae takes a great deal of time readying herself, closed up in the bathroom. It is unnecessary. The woman is a vision regardless of her attire.

“Solas, could you come help me?” she calls from behind the door.

I adjust my suit and go to her…I am sure she is dressed this time….she had been ‘dressing’ for nearly an hour.

“Yes?” I ask, slowly opening the door.

She holds out a necklace to me, “Will you put this on for me? I can’t get the clasp.”

“Of course,” I take it from her only to notice her looking at me with parted lips and a pretty flush along her freckles.

Admiring….me?

I smile and can feel my skin warming with embarrassed adoration.

The clasp is simple and finished quickly. I rest my palm over the silver, losing myself in our reflected image. She is breathtaking and looking at me like I am something wonderful. The comfortable domesticity of being her with her…

“Picture perfect,” she grins, shocking me back into reality.

I take a few steps back to remove myself from her, “Um…yes….Mae you are stunning.”

“You’re stunning yourself, fancy dressed man.” She wraps herself around my middle. “Ready to be stuck as my escort?”

Her attraction to _me_ makes me feel like more than I am, “It is an honor, Dr. Lavellan.”

* * *

The king _does_ attend the banquet.

He has eyes for my little one. A jealous fury floods my chest.

“Is it just me, or does the King have wandering eyes?” Vivienne winks at Mae.

“How could he not? He’s yet to marry and young enough to be reasonably interested.” Dorian looks at the King, approving.

“No, that’s silly.” Mae takes a drink, but it does not hide the flush to her skin.

“You are the most beautiful woman in the room. He’d be blind if he were not interested,” I add. It is true. She is gorgeous and well dressed.

Mae sighs and chokes a little on her water. “Thank you, everyone. Can we please talk about _anything_ else?”

I cannot tell if she is flattered or horrified. Maybe a little of both.

We had all met the king before. He makes a point of stopping by the universities once in a while and showing them support, meeting the faculty, and making some nonsense speech about Ferelden.

All that aside, he seems like a decent sort of man.

“Ah! Dr. De Fer!” He praises Vivienne, “I heard about your rousing speech this afternoon. Well done!”

Mae is keeping her back to the man as he approaches our little departmental group. I gently move Mae so that she is no longer being disrespectful to the man. I care little, but we are at his event…

“Dr. Pavus, Dr. Revas, I’m happy that you were able to attend.” we exchange little polite bows. “Your work is a boon to Ferelden.” 

Then he looks at Mae like the revelation that she is, “and you are?”

Mae smiles, that blush coming back as she curtseys to him, “Dr. Maellana Lavellan, Your Highness. I am a new postdoctoral student under the supervision of Dr. Pavus.”

“Might I have this dance, Dr. Lavellan?” the king bows low to her and holds out a hand.

I clench my jaw in frustration. He just swooped in and took her.

“As you wish, Your Majesty,” she answers sweetly, holding onto the large man. She is enchanted by him.

They are immediately like those fairy stories of the secret princess and the king. Arguably, it is unfair to the rest of the room for the couple dancing _closely_ to be so attractive.

Mae laughs brightly and the king does as well. They blush and share whispers.

She _hits_ the king!

“Well, isn’t this unexpected,” Dorian watches Mae with furrowed brows.

Vivienne shrugs, “ideally it will play out well. It would be a victory if the queen were a member of the Circle.”

Dorian’s face falls a little more and he looks at me, “Solas?”

“Hm?” I grumble into my glass.

At the moment I am unable to hide my derision.

 _This_ is what she deserves: banquets, a handsome king, power…she would want for nothing. She deserves a fairytale….not the lies of an old man.

“The song is ending,” Dorian says pointedly, “perhaps I need another drink. Solas, be a dear and get me one. I believe they are on the other side of the dance floor. Behind our colleague...she may be thirsty as well.”

He is right. This…if this is what Mae needs…wants…then it will not be decided in a night and that _playboy_ will not toy with my Mae.

“This is the only time I will be getting you a drink, Dorian,” I half smile at him and make my way to her.

She kisses the king’s cheek and he laughs.

“Oh, Teagan is going to be so cross with me,” the king smiles.

I put my hand on her lower back to signal my presence, ““Mae, I was going to grab a drink. Could I get you anything?” I say into her ear, but lock eyes with the larger man.

He understands immediately, “Oh, I see.” His smile falls a little.

Yes, that is right. She will not be yours with a little dance. If you truly want her, then you will woo her properly.

Mae does not quite understand, “Alistair?”

She calls the king by his first name?

The man winks and straightens his shoulders, “Have a nice rest of your evening, Dr. Revas, Mae.”

And now we are alone on the floor together.

And I am once again questioning my better judgment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy, Party People!!!  
> Finally updating! I forgot how much I enjoy writing his POV. I hope you enjoy!!! Also, I hope you are having a good summer because you are the greatest!


	6. Ball Aftermath

Mae sputters in annoyed confusion. She _glares_ at me. My little one is _angry_ with me? All I was doing was watching out for her best interest. She may, if she wishes, run away with the king, but he does not own her after a single dance.

“Mae, that man had his hands all over you. It appeared that he was taking advantage.” I say with more stiffness than I had meant to.

She rolls her eyes. “Thank you for thinking so little of me, but Alistair wouldn’t take advantage of anyone.”

There she goes again saying the king’s given name.

Have I misjudged the situation?

I injured her by assuming she would not understand someone preying on her. The thought makes me uncomfortable.

Still in her frustrated state, she holds out a hand to me, “Dance with me, Solas?”

I take a deep breath, surprised at her request. “I apologize…yes.” She is right to be upset with me. I clearly underestimated her and made the man uncomfortable while doing it.

I pull her to me with grace, but make sure to leave space between us. I cannot allow myself to be tempted. I must behave with her best interests.

She is enchanting in the low light of the ballroom, mint eyes sparkling with candle light. Mae is so close to me and at the same time so much further than usual.

The weight of my mask is heavy tonight.

Our eyes meet and she blushes prettily. It moves me to speak. I may not be her masked lover at the moment, but I can still be her friend, “it seems you know the King?”

It is time to see how badly I misjudged their encounter.

She says they are old friends from when she worked at the Inquisition. The Inquisition. The censoring, knowledge hating, sham of a political party. Were they the ones who injured her enough to think she was so little? Shall I hate them for one more reason?

“May I ask what you did for that farce of a political movement?” I raise my brow in annoyed question.

She smirks sassily up at me, “you _may_.”

Mae is displeased with me…or at the very least she is finished with the conversation we were having.

“I am sorry, my distaste for them is in no way a reflection of my feelings toward you. I did not mean to offend,” I squeeze her hand to emphasize my point.

She looks up at me with those large, dreamy eyes, “My job was not one of importance. I mostly did whatever I was told to.” She swallows and pinkens, “And what are your feelings?”

Um…what _are_ my feelings? I…perhaps said too much.

My face wrinkles with confusion, “I’m sorry?”

“You said that your feelings about the Inquisition are not the same as how you feel about me,” she prompts me in a voice so sweet and small that it strikes at my very soul.

“My feelings…for you…” I stammer.

I feel so much for her. I dare say I am hopelessly besotted. She is everything.

It is unfair. She should not be lied to. At the very least I cannot express my feelings while I am still hiding part of myself.

I seem to have made a logical leap there.

I do want to be with her as myself…..but I cannot. Not yet. Not until I know what she needs. If things had been as bad as I had thought, then she needs Fen’harel.

I cannot be both men for her at once.

I will drive myself to madness.

She is looking at the ground. Pointedly avoiding my gaze. “Mae, please look at me. You are a remarkable woman.”

I am at a loss as to what else I could say.

Nothing makes this better for her.

Nothing makes it hurt my heart less.

“Is that all?” she whispers, ache dripping from every word.

No, but it must be.

Thankfully, the song reaches its end and I can make my excuses for us to depart.

She seems crestfallen and it makes me want to kiss away her sadness…a dangerous feeling.

Despite everything, she thanks me for my concern.

Dorian is beyond curious about her time with the King; it will be enough to draw her attention away from me. Mae glares at me for some reason or another. It is not _my_ fault she danced with royalty in front of everyone.

Vivienne forcefully grabs my shoulder, “a word?” and mostly shoves me away from our colleagues.

“Yes, of course, I would be delighted,” I say dryly once she decides we are far enough away.

She looks at Mae, concerned, “what exactly is it that you’re doing?”

“Pardon?”

“She can do so much better than you. She was dancing with the King for Maker’s sake! _You_ stopped her from dancing with the King,” Vivienne shakes her head in disbelief.

I raise an eyebrow and stare at her. This is unexpected.

“I mean no offense. You are a lovely man, Solas. Think of the good Mae could do for the Circles if she had the ear of the King! She could convince him to send more support our way. He might even put her on some committees. An academic on political committees? The rewards speak for themselves.” Vivienne has a look of determination on her eyes that is unparalleled. She fought to get as far as she has and she means to travel further, if possible.

I frown, “I believe all of that is up to Mae. If she wants to dance with the King, then she may. If she would rather be with me, then that is her choice. I am unexpectedly flattered that she pays me any attention. You cannot politic for her. Now, if you would excuse me.”

“You’re making a mistake that will impact all of us,” she warns.

I turn away to rejoin Mae and Dorian. Vivienne has no idea how right she is about my making horribly impactful mistakes, this just is not one of them.

To make a point, I allow myself to stand closer to Mae than I usually do. It is her choice who she is attracted to. That person should not be me, despite her little crush, but it is not for someone like Vivienne to decide for her.

“Everything alright?” Mae whispers into my ear

I nod, “it is nothing worth discussing."  

At midnight, the bells ring and Mae takes a breath, “Solas, I think I’m going to head back.”

Good. A second night following her curfew. She is learning quickly.

I look at my watch to hide the curve of my lips that I cannot suppress, “I will accompany you. It is getting late.” I cannot let her walk back alone. The streets are not quite safe for her to be alone.

The cool air bites as we make our way back to our hotel.

Mae’s face is full of wonder as she looks up to the sky; I can no longer find fault with the chill. Starlight highlights the planes of her face, giving her an ethereal glow.

Suddenly, her eyes widen and she pitches forward, grabbing onto my shoulder and nearly toppling us both.

I catch around her waist and pull her against me. At the very least I can cushion her fall, “Mae, are you alright?!”

She laughs brightly, “These were expensive shoes!” Clearly she is unharmed…or at least is well enough to giggle.

My blood is racing with worry and is certainly not helped by the closeness of her, “You should watch where you are walking.”

Her marveling eyes focus on my face, “but the sky is so beautiful.”  

My skin warms at her contrived flattery, “can you walk?”

In short: no she cannot readily walk herself back to our room.

Like the imprudent fool that I am, I volunteer to carry her back. It would be faster, safer, and selfishly, would allow me time to hold her close under the guise of protection.

Her arms wrap around my shoulders and it feels as though my heart will beat out of my chest. She is intoxicating. Perfection. The rise and fall of her chest is faster than before. Embarrassment or desire? And do I want to be tempted with the knowledge of which it is?

The door attendant flashes us a knowing smile.

No. Nothing like that will occur. She is not for me. Solas is not what she needs at the time. I cannot lose sight of that.

After some maneuvering, we end up in our room with her pressed against me. Eyes large with emotions. Lips parted, begging to be kissed.

It takes all of my strength to step away from her. Hanging up my jacket allows me to keep my back turned.

I will conquer myself.

I undo my tie and start to unbutton my shirt.

She is not for me.

Not for me.

“Solas?” she whimpers from the bathroom.

Fuck.

“Mae?” I slowly push open the bathroom door and pray that she is still clothed.

She points to her back, “It’s stuck.”

The zipper.

All I have to do is free the fabric from its teeth and then I can retreat.

I swipe her hair over her shoulder to better access the damned garment.

She lets out the slightest sigh of desire as my fingers brush along her bared shoulder. I free the dress and, for reasons I cannot fully understand, decide to keep lowering the zipper.

The creamy skin of her back draws me to her like a bright lure. Almost as if my body were making decisions aside from my mind, fingertips trace the line of her spine as it is exposed to me.

Mae moans, gasps, at my touch.

I rest my hands on her hips, trying to keep her from leaning back and feeling the hardness of my cock with her body.

“Solas,” she whispers like a dirty prayer and trails her fingers along my neck.

She was not in jest confessing her crush….apparently more than a crush…Mae is asking for _me_. For Solas.

Do I call it off here? Give in to my selfish desires? Can I betray the guidance I promised her as Fen’harel?

“Mae….We….I…” my want is clear in the timber of my voice.

Even if this were not as complicated as I have made it, we are coworkers. Would we just be two people who, in a misguided fit of lust created by dance and drink, find their way into each other’s arms and regret their decisions in the morning?

Someone knocks on the door.

It breaks me out of my mental black hole and back into my reality.

I drop my hands from her and swiftly answer the door.

A man hands me a letter. He does not look like hotel staff…

There is a large Ferelden crest sealing the envelope.

This cannot be good.

“We should get ready for bed,” I look up at her.

“I suppose we should,” she whispers.

I do not know what to feel.

Anger with myself. Love for her. Desire for a thing that I denied myself. Responsibility.

Once she closes the door to the bathroom I drop into one of the chairs and cover my face with my hands. What is wrong with me!?

She strips me of my vision when we are close.

My phone vibrates.

_Recipient: dreadwolf@eluvian.net_

_Subject: I’m Sorry._

_Things got more heated with my coworker than I expected. Nothing actually happened. I’m sorry. I understand if you don’t want me anymore._

_-Mae_

 

Oh, my sweet girl. She regrets what happened. She regrets it enough to immediately apologize to me…yet not me…for the mistake. I have shamed and embarrassed her with my behavior.

 

_Recipient: maelav@chantry.com_

_Subject: Peace_

_Oh, little one. I am sorry you feel distressed. These things happen when one is as lovely as you. Do not fret. Nothing happened. You have betrayed no one. If you wish, we can talk about this in more detail when you return._

_It is late. You should be in bed._

_I miss you._

_-Fen’harel_

 

I will not leave her. I could never leave her. She is not at fault for any of this and I will make sure she is aware of that next time she meets Fen’harel.

Solas should apologize as well while I am at it.

I ready for bed, hating myself. I leave on her bedside light, but turn off the rest of the lights. It will lessen the horror of this if she cannot see me.

“Good night,” she whispers in that awful broken way that makes me want to understand her pain and then make her forget that it ever existed. She turns off the light.

“Good night,” I roll to look at her, “Mae, we’re fine. It was never my intent to upset you.” I am an ass.

She shifts the bed, curling up into a ball, “It’s alright Solas. I’m just as to blame. I’m sorry.”

“Mae?” I plead putting a hand on her shoulder to try to comfort her. She does not unfurl at all. It pains me to have hurt her, “sleep well.”

I am restless. Sleepless.

Mae falls asleep relatively quickly; I hope it is a sign that she relaxed some. I should have offered to sleep somewhere else.

As soon as she rolls in her sleep and wraps around me I still.

All of the brooding ends as I am comforted by her light weight and steady breath. With the smallest touch she soothes my soul.

I can fix this.

I start to drift off to sleep when a pitched moan from Mae makes my eyes widen.

She whimpers and her hand grips my shirt, heaving a sated sigh as her body trembles against mine.

She….oh….

I school my face to feign sleep. Impassivity despite the fact that she just climaxed against me. My body stirs, wishing to give her more. My body should learn to heed my mind. I silently pray that she does not move in any way to notice my...being awake.

She groans in horror and unwraps herself from me. Mae rolls over to be further away from me.

I am at a loss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy Lovely Humans!!! Time for some more Solas! I hope that you had a great two weeks and that you enjoy!!  
> (Heads up this chapter was totally unbeta-ed...well except for my own proofing.)
> 
> OH! So, when I started writing these bits I only wanted to create random smaller parts of what is going on in Solas' head as a way to make sense of his motivations aaannnnddd have sort of slipped into just re-writing the story just from his POV. (Not to say that I DON'T like doing this as an entire alternate POV, but the smaller bits would be easier for me to keep up with writing.)
> 
> SO New/Old plan. I want to take requests for what to write about for him. I have a few ideas in the bank (Solas and Blackwall talking after the conference. Solas and Blackwall talking after Cullen shows up.) and another bit ready to be posted (Alistair’s letter to Solas after the ball).
> 
> Feel free to comment with ideas of what you want to see! I'll make a list and start going through it in order that it occurs in the main plot. 
> 
> Thank you for being the greatest!


	7. Alistair's Letter

Name: Solas Revas

Age: 38

Family: Only child. Parents deceased (S _orry to add that. Me too if that helps…I know it doesn’t…_ )

Occupation: Lecturer and Researcher at University of Ferelden

PhD obtained from University of the Dales.

Dissertation: Dominance and its effect on cultural identity and spaces. ( _Really?? I might have to look that up…or have someone else look it up and then summarize it for me…probably the last one…no offence._ )

Address: 27 South Main, Lothering, Ferelden

Vehicle: 1 black sports car ( _very nice for a university professor_ …)

_Apologies for the write up, but trying to make a point, so bear with me. It’s just a cursory check. I needed to look into who was claiming Mae so boldly at my ball. I_ am _a King, if you recall, so you must have some sort of feelings regarding her if you are going to challenge royalty. Luckily, I’m a very nice man. Mae is a dear friend and I care deeply about her well being.  By the way…please don’t mention that I did this…she might be angry with me. Mae is small and rarely angered, but it is best to avoid the possibility._

_The past few years have not been kind to her. Mae’s history is for her to tell, but let me warn you. If you cannot properly support her, then you should back away immediately. She plays the game as well, if not better than many others I know. There may be a time where she is forced to again and she will require understanding and support. You know nothing of these people and nothing of what she is up against._

_Learn or leave._

_Mae has been hurt by too many people that she thought she could trust. If you are yet another of them, I will personally make sure you suffer the consequences. That being said, I do truly hope that she has found a friend (or friendlier) in you and that all of this is just a bout of over-protectiveness on my part._

_We’ll be watching,_

_Alistair Theirin_

I set down the letter and look toward the bathroom where Mae is readying herself for bed. What history is this? When I pushed it, she had used her safe word. It must be truly awful…and the King agrees on that point. Oh, my little one…

A second thought hits me: I am now being watched by the King of Ferelden.

“ _Fenedhis_ ,” I grumble and rub my palms over my face.

I will not leave her. She is…my heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't abandoned this!! I hope to get some more written while I'm on break for the next 3 weeks. 
> 
> You're beautiful and I hope that your winter is going well so far! <3


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